Last week we had dinner with some newly-made friends and the subject of politics came up. We found out what each other’s viewpoint was, and then when we realized that they were opposite of each other, we simply moved on to other topics and we continued to have a good time hanging out and talking.

I have some other friends that I also disagree with on politics, but I still enjoy discussing the subject with them because we can see each other’s point of view and disagree without becoming disagreeable, and overall I think we both grow from discussing alternate view points.

I’m not bringing up this difference to say that one way is better than another. I don’t need to discuss every subject with every friend that I have. It doesn’t matter if it’s because we wouldn’t disagree in a friendly way or if it’s just because we have different passions and the same subjects don’t appeal to both my friend and me. My point in bringing this up is that I can choose what to talk about with my friends based on their interests, their passions, and the situation; not just based on my own passions and interests. I think that choice is a good thing.

That brings me to problem I’ve been feeling about my blog. My blog doesn’t give me that same choice as a regular conversation does. My blog isn’t individual. In my blog I don’t just write to one person and so it’s not custom-tailored to how I best communicate with anyone. My blog is written generally to everyone, whether I know them or not, whether they hate me or not. I’m writing simultaneously to my mom and my boss, to the kid that’s hated me since the 5th grade and to the friend that lives too far away to in person very often, to my best friend and to the stranger that doesn’t know me at all but hates me anyway. Not that those people necessarily read my blog, but they can read it just as easily as someone that I specifically target with any post that I write.

I realize that this is the nature of blogs and of the Internet in general, and for most of my blog’s lifespan there’s been no problem with that. The most that I’ve ever had to censor myself with it was to be sure that any references to my crushes were sufficiently disguised that I wouldn’t cause myself any public embarrassment. Most of my posts are just silly and stupid, and the worst thing that can happen about someone unexpected reading them is that they won’t think I’m as funny as I think I am.

Maybe my life is just different than it once was and that’s why my blog has become different, too. If nothing else, my current crush is well-known and she’s happy to have me publicly confess it. Maybe the only thing that’s really changed is the frequency and passion in recent political discussions. Or maybe nothing’s changed at all, and it’s just the fact that I’m a multi-faceted person, and that sometimes I want to write about something that I feel more deeply than a burrito. (I mean that metaphorically. I feel burritos all of the way down.)

I think that if I were to have my way then I’d just write about everything that I think and feel, regardless of how personal or controversial or humorous the subject is or isn’t. I’d just write open and honestly about myself and all of my facets and not worry about how my reader might judge me. Sometimes that’s been fine for me, but I don’t know if I’m brave enough to really open myself up to every person that might wander across my blog. I’m afraid of how I might limit my life by doing that. I’ve realized recently that I can’t be open about every facet of myself with every person that I’m friends with. Some people simply aren’t comfortable with all of my facets, and unfortunately relationships change or get ruined when they’re forced to see me from a point of view that they hadn’t previously.

So here I am, at the end of this post, not knowing what to do with my blog and my friends. It’d be nice if I could just separate my digital persona from my real-life image so that I could still use my blog as an outlet for all of my multi-faceted thoughts, or maybe I could separate all of my facets into separate identities and blogs that wouldn’t have to collide or interfere with each other. (I could keep just my food-related blogs tied to my real identity, since anyone that looks at me will know that I like food.) I’m afraid it’s probably too late for any kind of separation like that for the people that already know me and read my blog, and instead I just feel sad to feel that I’ve already ruined both my blog and some relationships.

Or maybe I should stop taking the oxycodone so that I can stop feeling so melodramatic about the whole stupid thing.

(I should probably point out that the oxycodone is a joke for the sake of anyone that might think that I’m addicted to painkillers, but the fact that I’d have to point that out just makes me feel like I’m talking in circles.)