Posts tagged fatness
I now weigh 203.5 lbs., on the doctor’s official scale. It just keeps going up.
I asked the doctor about how I’ve been sleeping a lot lately (14 hours is weird for me). I was hoping that I had mono, but he checked me out and thought it was more likely that I had either leukemia or depression. That’s lame. I don’t think either of those pay very well.
Late last night Gabe, Tyler and I went to Beto’s. I thought I’d step it up.
I first ordered the cheese quesadilla. The guy taking my order looked confused at me, and said “Are you sure? It’s just cheese?” If you have ordered the quesadilla before, then you’ll understand why he’d try to talk me out of it. The quesadilla is just a giant wad of cheese in a tortilla. It’s more grease than food. Which is, of course, why I wanted it.
Then I ordered two burritos: I tried the Ranchero, and I ordered my favorite, the Adobada. The guy asked me if we wanted to pay together or separate, and I told him together so that I wouldn’t have to explain that all three meals were for me.
Tyler ordered the chimichanga, which gave Gabe an idea: What if we had them deep fat fry one of the regular burritos? The worker obliged as though it were a natural suggestion (which maybe it is in mexican countries), and so I had a giant Ranchero chimichanga.
I ate the quesadilla in 1 minute and 27 seconds. About 3/4 of the way through the Ranchero chimichanga I got full. I, of course, ate it anyway. The Adobada would become my nemesis, and we named him Earl.
The very first bite of Earl almost killed me. I was already full, and I couldn’t eat any more. I ate another bite anyway. I thought I was going to hurl. I ate another bite. The bite size didn’t get smaller, but the time it took me to get it down got longer with each successive bite. Sometimes my stomach would tell me to stop, and it would threaten to send back up what I’d already put down. I’d have to stop in the middle of the current bite and breath really slow and calm, and then I’d keep chewing once I’d lulled my stomach into a false sense of security. I tried to stop eating over and over, but Tyler kept encouraging me to finish what I’d started, and I listened. By the end I don’t think I was even swallowing anymore. I’d just chew the bites until they were liquefied enough to slide down my throat without any effort. I had probably an inch and a half of burrito left at the bottom when my stomach refused to take any more and I had to spit the last bite out to keep myself from vomiting.
The Adobada had once been my favorite. Beto’s was my favorite place to go eat. Now I was in horrible pain, both from my stomach being stretched beyond its capacity, and my throat was burning from the spices sitting in my mouth and trickling down.
It still hurts today, but I guess everything paid off. Today I weigh 202.2 lbs., even on the most conservative of the scales that I’ve weighed myself on. And it’s a good thing I made my goal, because I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to eat again.
Today I decided to step up my normal Beto’s routine by going one step greasier: the Chimichanga. I assumed that it would be the normal fatness of a Beto’s burrito, but deep fat fried. I was, sadly, disappointed. Not with the chimichanga itself, because it was very good. I was disappointed by the fact that it seemed slimmer, and was trimmed with vegetables. I think a normal burrito from that place has more lard on the inside than could be soaked up by a simple tortilla shell, so the chimichanga just couldn’t match up.
So this evening I decided to make up for the lack of fat with my first multi-restaurant experience. I went to Denny’s and ordered a cup of their country gravy, and then I went to Beto’s and got a California burrito, which I covered (and smothered) in the gravy before eating it.
If heaven were a burrito, it would be smothered and covered.
I weighed myself for the first time in a few weeks, and I’ve gained 10 lbs. since the last weigh-in. My goal for this week is to break 200 lbs.
I looked at myself in the mirror today after I had a Twix ice cream bar for the dessert of my second Beto’s meal of the day. I think I could see myself getting fatter. I haven’t been in front of a mirror for a few hours, but at the rate I was going, I should look about like this by now.
Jessica, the secretary at work, has this bowl on her desk in which she occasionally puts candy. It’s been a few weeks since she’s had any, so Roy and I took the bowl, and gave her a note that read (more or less) as follows:
If you ever want to see your bowl again, you will leave candy at this location on your desk. Do not contact the police or the administration.
Signed, NOT Roy & NOT Bryant
While I can’t be sure that she didn’t tell our boss, I’m pretty sure that the police haven’t gotten involved yet. Well she put some candy out, but it was just barely a handful, so I think the bowlnappers just took the candy and didn’t give the bowl back.
So today we looked in the cabinet where we had hid the bowl, and it was gone.
As far as I can see, the only solutions are that either (1) someone stole it from the cabinet, in which case we’ve actually lost it, or (2) Jessica or an accomplish went through our cubicle while we were at lunch yesterday and took the bowl back. Since (1) is pretty unlikely, considering that I work at BYU, we’ve assumed (2). I’m sure what they want us to do is to go and confess that we lost the bowl so that they can make us feel silly for taking it. We’ll show them.
I saw “Supersize me” last weekend. At first, as I was watching it, I thought that the guy was a huge weenie: I mean, he couldn’t even finish his Double Quarter-pounder. What a wimp. But by the end of the movie I was feeling sick myself. You know that feeling when you’ve been sitting around all day not doing anything but maybe watching TV and eating Doritos, and you just feel gross and greasy. Well, maybe I’m the only one that knows that feeling, but that’s how I felt just watching this guy eat so much McDonald’s. I almost haven’t been able to eat all week.
But today I went to Wendy’s and ordered the biggest chicken sandwich that’s ever been deep-fat-fried: the Wild Mountain Spicy Chicken. AND Wendy’s still does the Biggie size. So I guess I’m over whatever that movie convinced me of.
I wore a skirt yesterday. Dave wore a pimp hat and tried to sell me on the corner. It didn’t work. I think its the hairy legs. Or that my belly is bigger than my boobs. That probably turns dudes off.
I finished my first animation project today. It’s just a fat guy walking, but I’m still glad about it. It’s my first one, so just don’t expect too much from it.
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