Posts tagged hooligans

Super Nice Guy


I just saw a sign on a table that said “Thank you for not moving this table.”
That was nice of me, thought I.
In fact, I’m doing nice things all of the time, now that I think about it. People are always thanking me for things, like not smoking, not walking on the grass, not feeding the animals….
I might never even go outside again. I bet the nicest thing I could do for society would be to never do anything, and then they’d have all kinds of things to thank me for.

The Life and Death of the Darth Cannon


A little over a month ago my ward had a dumb activity in which I didn’t want to participate. So, instead of going to the activity, Tyler and I built a gun.
My friend Ryan and I had built a potato gun in high school, and I think Tyler had done the same, so we both knew the basic operations and what we needed. At the hardware store, we discovered that this is not only a very common practice, but that they don’t necessarily like helping with this, so they don’t readily sell the parts that we needed. We ended up compromising and making due with what they had, but in the process, we developed a new kind of potato cannon.
The Darth Cannon TM had a fail-safe. In the event that the pressure in the chamber was too high, instead of breaking the combustion chamber, it would blow-off the barrel to relieve the pressure. We were invincible. We couldn’t hurt ourselves with this.
So, as any good college students who had built a gun, Tyler and I did science experiments on it. (I bet you thought we were going to use it to break things, huh?) We took it to the baseball field and measured the distances it traveled with different fuel-filling styles, until we’d figured out how to best use the Darth Cannon.
Unfortunately, the Darth Cannon met its end this weekend. We’d gone up the canyon to sit around a bonfire, and I’d gotten bored. So, naturally, I pulled the Darth Cannon out of my trunk (where everyone keeps their home-made guns) and loaded it up. I readjusted the barrel because it had gotten a little crooked in my trunk, but I guess I didn’t tighten it up enough afterwards. When I shot it, instead of the potato flying out, the barrel itself shot off. This was good, of course, because it proved that my fail-safe would work, but in all of the excitement, I kind of broke off the trigger ignition that we’d put on it.

Chinese Buffet


There’s this restaurant in Lakewood (CO) called the Great Wall. It’s a buffet with Chinese, Mongolian, and Japanese food. It’s sick (and I don’t mean that the way that the snowboarders say it). They have all kinds of exotic foods like crawfish and sushi and frog legs. I think food that exotic can’t possibly be good if it’s offered at all-you-can-eat quantities.
For some reason my dad and his wife think this place is great, so they go there every time there’s a reason to go out. We went there for Father’s Day. I pretended that I didn’t mind even though I got sick the last time that we went there. I just ate the beef on-a-stick and the rolls. That was safe enough. I did put a crawdad in the urinal, though.
On a side note, Troy’s fortune read, “Genius is nothing but an aptitude for patience.” I think that makes him mildly retarded.


Easter candy is the best kind. I think they should give it away at Halloween and Christmas, too. Or if they won’t do that, maybe next Easter I’ll dress up as Jesus and go around Easter morning saying trick or treat to see if people will give me their kids’ candy.
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Spring break is over. I think Vegas is my new favorite city. I learned how to play blackjack and roulette, spent a <insert favorite swear word>load of money, got kicked out of my hotel, and got the best shoe polish known to man. I’m also proud to say that I spent all weekend there without doing anything to get kicked out of the Church. Now I’m going to stay up all night and try to catch up on the work that I’ve blown off for the last two weeks.

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